The ibogaine fixed HUGE issues like INSOMNIA (A TRUE MIRACLE), panic attacks, paranoia, the obsessive need of my parents closeness that I always tried to hide even from me by travelling and living all by myself around the world with poor results cause I always ended up crying every night desperately for I missed them and many times got back to Italy just to stay near them although they never imagined this was ever the true reason behind some situations.
The plant gave me the precious gift of its teachings through almost all nightmare-like visions which included, by the way, all 5 senses (I could smell, taste, feel, hear and see everything as if it was truly happening and running through real time). When I could stand up from my bed, I thought several months had gone!!! And couldn’t believe otherwise, I thought they were telling lies to me just to let me stay there away from my problems and they tricked me into staying there for months instead of days…amazing!!! I dreamt for 3 days only; can you believe that?
The most important one and meaningful for me was this one:
I kept on dying in the moment of a planet extinction or at its imperfect birth uncapable to create the necessary conditions for life to flourish or born and ride the steps of evolution. I have been waiting for death to embrace me sleeping into ice caves while the Ice Age was destroying everything over and over again.
The first deaths created anxiety and fear in me while I was waiting for their certain arrival.
After those ones, I learnt acceptance and how holding on a thought of love could erase fear and anxiety children of the false belief of being too late to give a meaning to my death/life: as long as I could think of a moment I have lived where I loved or was loved by my family, for example, nothing was lost, the end could come certain I fulfilled my reason of existing in this world: experiencing love is the only true precious goal one can ever achieve in this only life made to slowly kill us.
Some other visions:
I have been part or spectator of atrocities among children filled with violence, tortures and homicides. I have been experiencing situations where I was abandoned by my parents or chased by both criminals and police around the world hence forced to run and hide in weird places. I have travelled in bidimensional wonderful landscapes imprisoned in a postcard or a mirror and communicated with whoever was watching the frozen scene inventing creative ways to change the image and reveal my presence.
And few beautiful ones:
I ran into a forest and enjoyed the company of an African tribe. The forest was made of lights, amazingly beautiful trees and flowers; there were small monkeys playing with me. I was running barefoot and I stopped moving when all plants, flowers and trees left an orb of light of different colours slowly fly from their core aiming to the sky above, an incredible vision happening all around me and I remember I was afraid to breath too heavily and disturb this nature performance I could feel I had been invited to watch even though I wasn’t part of the tribe that was scattered all around the trees creating a circle I was part of.
Although, most of the visions were made of the substance of nightmares, I never felt scared or powerless. I actually felt peaceful and serene all the time but for the first 3 deaths which happened in the beginning of the ibogaine trip. However, even in those occasions, the fear and anxiety I felt were 1% of those I usually feel in real life for panic attacks that come when I realize how powerless I am over death and that even just the thought of the void that will follow it is able to kill me before my time comes.
I never stopped thinking about you all. I really love you and I am thankful for crossing the path of my life with yours.
